*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!