Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
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Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.