Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
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Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
kids play hide and seek like
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.