*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
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Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds