*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
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What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Don’t touch that.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
The three genders
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.