If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
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half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Carpe DM
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.