Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
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boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
🍞🦆
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
For anyone who needs this today
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.