Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
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Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
tinder is all about the long game
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.