*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
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How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
what
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
plums roundup
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
my first day as a raccoon
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf