*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
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The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
😂 amazing answer
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords