*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
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The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
me 2 months after i graduated
Every BBC series about the universe.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
LOL!
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.