*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
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Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
This meeting could have been a cake
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
HELP 😭
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.