*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
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Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Selfie
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.