Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
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Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft