I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
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You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.