@ArielBen6: Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don't use a condom
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@mjkspeaks: [at airport] TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search. ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
@NicestHippo: "Let's go around the room & name our biggest fears" SUPERMAN: Kryptonite BATMAN: Bats MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction
@merican_ninjy: "Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they're eating chips on the couch.
@chapel3929: There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes: 1. Headphone users have torsos? 2. Giraffe strangler