Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
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I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Meanwhile in Portland…
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
<—- homeless romantic