Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
You Might Also Like
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more