Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
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I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”