Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records