@IGotsSmarts: Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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@MatCro: ME: I want the car's brake lines to rust SCIENTIST: I'm listening ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
@Ryan_Patricks: Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
@JBWogan: Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: "Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions."
@MiddleageM: This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face... <--Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned