@IGotsSmarts: Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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@myonlymizztake: Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
@ieatanddrink: This is your pilot speaking. We'll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
@robdelaney: Why aren't these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don't they want to get better?