@meganamram: Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
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@ComedicBust: [First Date] Me: Wanna check out the local garden? Her: That sounds amazing. [arriving at Olive Garden] Me: Damn, it's busier than usual
@just1fool: Autocorrect changed, "Felt good right?" to "Hours of delight" so I sent it because it's not my lie at this point.
@iAmDelFreaky: Doc: Let's check your reflexes. Me: I have the reflexes of a cat. Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer* Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc's eyes out*
@jjhartinger: My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, "I'm testing something out." I never knew this kind of fear existed.