@meganamram: Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
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@CakeThrottle: Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
@IamEnidColeslaw: may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
@noog: [white house staff meeting] Obama: Any questions? *Biden raises hand* Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe. *Biden returns to coloring book*
@deegeemindi: If someone got my name tattooed on them I'd break up with them to prove it was a bad idea.