Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
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There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.