Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
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Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”