Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
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If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
This meal prepping shit is easy
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.