Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
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My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*