[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
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The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
no such thing as a dumb question
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?