[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
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Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
A Short Story.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
couldn’t resist
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.