I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
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I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.