Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
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me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”