Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
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If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
saw this in a dream
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Childbirth is so beautiful
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.