EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
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My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
The fall of Netflix
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*