EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
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My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
They’re called werewolves.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm