[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
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Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.