Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
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Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Spell check is for lasers.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
*gets down on one knee*
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.