Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
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good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.