Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
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Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”