*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
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Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”