EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
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my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Mornin
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.