EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
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My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?