Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.