Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!