Egyptians don’t walk like that.
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Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.