Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
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ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
so much to do
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*