HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
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[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
it must be school picture day
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