I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
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“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?