Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
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Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
These aren’t even hard anymore.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus