friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
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ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.