@Writepop: "Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin' awesome." - Pew Pew Pew Research Center
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@Tetley6969: I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don't have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
@StevieKnip: [accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom] Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex? [every boy in the class checks their phone]
@SuicideBooth1: [fans out the deck] Pick a card, any card.. Memorize it.. [hits you in the face with a shovel] KING OF SPADES! [walks off]