@Writepop: "Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin' awesome." - Pew Pew Pew Research Center
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@jake_lach: When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping
@moneybreton: Top Fears 1.Walking on manholes 2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death 3.Christopher Walken
@ohen39: Cop: Sir, don't lock your kid in there, it's very hot. Me [closing car door]: It's okay *leans in* it's not my kid.
@AndyAsAdjective: Baby, tonight let's put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf