@dullandwicked: I need a new hobby, like archery or heroin.

@3sunzzz: What did watching Cinderella teach us? 7yo: It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

@SweetTweetsBRO: I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.

@JohnHilsen: The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.

@iwearaonesie: wife: Would you ever want an open marriage? me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they'd have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah