“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
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It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
me when i see my girls butt
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”