Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
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[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.