Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
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God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
This took me a second..
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”